Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
