Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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