Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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