Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's blow job season.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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