My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
