i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
