sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
