I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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