i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
