I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
