You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
