yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This is classic penis vs brain.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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