I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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