you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
