I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
