It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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