it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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