How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
