i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
