I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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