WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
