A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
