i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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