i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
