hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
