Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
