Your face is a jimmy john
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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