I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
whose parrot is this?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
