Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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