The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I need to align my fucking chakras
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
