When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
