My room smells like vodka and shame
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
