He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
