Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
