Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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