You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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