I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
