Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
