Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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