we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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