I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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