The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
