im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
