onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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