No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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