and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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