currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
