Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
