I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
