I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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