Don't make out with my wife yet
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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