On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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