I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
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At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
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I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.