I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.