I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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