Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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