Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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