Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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